What is infatuation?
The word comes from the Latin ‘fatuous‘, which means foolish!
Infatuation is a delicious state of delusion.
You don’t see the object of your infatuation as they actually are. Instead, you see an idealised version that you are projecting onto them.
There may be elements of truth in what you see, but you are far from seeing the whole picture.
Infatuation is seductive because, from within its illusion, you experience the euphoria of perfect love!
The experience of infatuation is heavenly and transcendent, anything seems possible. It’s no wonder you don’t want to see reality.
You can become addicted to this experience, seeking it repeatedly, preferring it to a more grounded, enduring type of love.
Infatuation presents a paradox. It is fragile, unable to withstand the realities of everyday life or the flaws and shortcomings of a real human being.
Yet those in the grip of infatuation go to extraordinary lengths to preserve the blissful fantasy. This makes infatuation simultaneously fragile while also stubbornly persistent.
Infatuation makes you ignore the warning signs
When infatuated, you will rationalize, minimize, sweep under the rug, and turn a blind eye, even to the point of willfully ignoring the most blatant red flags and warning signs.
You’ll find alternative explanations, often highly creative and complex, for anything that might otherwise reveal the truth of the situation.
You may be reckless with your security, health, finances and even families, believing that ‘love’ will conquer all. So long as you have your Beloved, nothing else really matters.
When the bubble bursts, it can be devastating.
When reality finally breaks through, it is a total shock. Cocooned in your fantasy, there is no way to see it coming. You actively ignore all the warning signs.
This shattering of the illusion is incredibly painful. It is the fall from heavenly perfection into an often ugly picture as the truths you have been avoiding are laid out clearly before you.
Addiction to Infatuation
The state of infatuation is so intoxicating that, no matter how painful the awakening is, people usually go back for more.
You are certain that you understand what went wrong, that the other person has changed, or that you can do it better this time.
In truth, you are desperate for another taste of Heaven.
How healthy infatuation is good for relationships
There is a type of mild infatuation called ‘positive bias’.
This is a known phenomenon where you tend to rate your partner as being above-average in kindness, attractiveness and intelligence, even if they’re not!
Another characteristic of positive bias is that your brain seems to filter out or ignore the annoying habits of your partner, so you are not constantly irritated or emotionally triggered by them.
These are helpful adaptive bonding behaviours and have been shown to contribute to lasting long-term love.
How infatuation can lead to unhealthy relationships
Positive bias, as described above, is very different to the unhealthy relationships infatuation can lead to.
For a relationship to deepen into something lasting and resilient, you need to be able to see one another as you actually are.
In unhealthy relationships based on infatuation, you fail to see the parts of your partner or your relationship that are negatively affecting you. You may be blind to toxic or even dangerous behaviour. You stay even though the relationship is bad for you.
Conversely, addiction to infatuation can also make you leave relationships too soon. People addicted to the illusion of perfect love leave every relationship as soon as they see their partner as a regular imperfect human, rather than an idealised being.
How to choose love over infatuation
Most of us didn’t learn healthy, adult relationship skills when we were growing up. Because we don’t know what else to do, we keep believing our superficial Hollywood and fairytale illusions about love, rather than looking deeper.
Healthy, fulfilling long-term relationships require us to learn new skills.
Examples of of these are:
- Learning to communicate in a way that creates connection
- Expressing love, appreciation and passion for your partner
- Knowing how to navigate and embrace differences and how to repair after a disagreement or fight
- Having healthy boundaries and clear relationship agreements
- Cultivating a strong sense of your own worth and working to create a safe, secure attachment in your relationship
Learning the skills for loving relationships
These are all important, learnable love skills. As with acquiring any new skill, they do require some effort and a willingness to explore new ways of being.
These are the keys to happy, thriving relationships and are definitely worth it!
By contrast, staying infatuated with infatuation means avoiding the work of growing up and learning how to have healthy adult relationships.
While infatuation feels like an incredible high and a blissful experience, unless it eventually transforms to embrace reality, it will not give you the long-term satisfaction you desire and deserve in love.
Find Martina on Social Media: @myloversjourney