Learning how to be more present is the foundation of emotional intimacy.
Have you ever had the experience in relationship, or even on a date, that the person sitting opposite is not really there with you?
Or sometimes you might be the one not there.This is painful! You might want to be fully there, you might think you are present, but your partner can’t ‘feel you’ and can’t ‘connect with you’.
In other words, they can’t feel the emotional intimacy they desire. This can be frustrating for both of you, because you may not know how to be more present with them.
Give your full attention
When you are present, you are giving the situation, or the person you are with, 100% of your attention. What a delicious feeling to receive someone’s full attention! It makes you feel you’re important to them, worthy of their focus, interesting!
When someone, from a helpful shop assistant to a good Doctor, to a life partner, is present,you feel you can trust that person. They are listening, they are not going to miss important information, they truly hear you and can respond in a meaningful way.
Sometimes, of course, you will be doing an activity with your partner, bike riding, or watching a movie.
In this case, you are both using some of your attention focussing on the activity, but even so, most of us still want the emotional intimacy created by feeling that our partner is aware of us, and enjoying SHARING the experience.
How to be more present with both yourself and another person
Presence in relationship means being present with your own thoughts, feelings and responses, while at the same time being present to another person.
This can be tricky. You may find you are so focussed on your own experience that you are not really with the other person.
Or, you may tend to be so attentive to other people and what they need, that you aren’t aware of your own feelings and needs.
Different types of presence
You can learn to be more present by understanding the type of presence that is needed in a particular situation.
For example, on a romantic occasion, you need emotional intimacy and connection. If you are physically present and mentally attentive, but not able to feel your own feelings and receive your partner’s, you could still be experienced by your partner as not present.
A similar thing can happen in a sexual situation. You could be physically and emotionally present, but not in touch with your own desire, sensuality, and erotic nature. This low sexual presence can be felt by your partner and can severely limit the connection between you.
There are many different examples of this. To learn how to be more present, practice asking yourself:
‘Am I showing up here and now in the way that’s needed in this situation?’
So, what gets in the way?
Simple day to day things can get in the way of being present. You may be tired, hungry, cold, distracted by worrying thoughts or a big project that is going on in your life.
Your emotional states vary from day to day. Sometimes you may feel confident, energised and adventurous, and at other times vulnerable, sad and sensitive. If you don’t feel able to share how you are feeling, you may unconsciously put up walls to protect yourself. Letting your partner know how you are feeling, helps them to understand you and builds emotional intimacy, rather than shutting it down.
The roles you play day to day can also affect your ability to be present, for example, using your rational mind at work all day can get you stuck in your head, over-thinking. In this case, it can help to deliberately shift into more emotional presence before you get home to your partner, or go on a date.
Old hurts and unhealed wounds can affect your ability to be present. This may happen a lot of the time, or only in certain situations. In the extreme, dissociation due to past trauma can occur. The more self-awareness you have, and the more you heal past wounds, the more your presence is freed up for the here and now.
How to be more present
Tip #1
If you are going on a date, or spending time with your partner, prepare yourself. Do your best not to be tired, hungry or rushed. Allow enough time and space for connection. Put your phone away so the other person knows they are your priority right now. If you have a lot going on, give yourself permission to enjoy this period of time knowing that you will get back to your projects later. You deserve some time off and so does your partner.
Tip #2
Practice Relational Presence. Be aware of your own thoughts, feelings and body sensations as you spend time together. At the same time, be attentive to the other person, how do they seem to be feeling? Focus on them and really listen to what they have to say and respond, showing interest in what they tell you. If this is challenging, practice shifting your focus from yourself to the other until you can hold both at the same time.
Tip #3
Be kind to yourself. If you feel old, uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, fears or insecurities coming up, notice them and have compassion for yourself. Stay real and avoid the temptation to go into performance mode because this is not true presence. This takes time and practice and will get easier the more you do it. With practice, you will quickly develop the ability to stay present with your partner for longer and longer periods.
I hope you have enjoyed this simple introduction to a very large topic. If you have questions or comments, please get in touch, or attend one of our evenings on Deepening Presence and Connection.
